I think I was traumatized as a little girl when it comes to school work. Research papers, homework, essays, you name it I'll hate it. My relationship with papers is very much like Charlie Brown's in "Book Report", a song from "Your a Good man Charlie Brown. In it he rationalizes his procrastination, his thought process behind that whole song is eerily identical to mine and because of it i will quote:
"If I start writing now
When I'm not really rested
It could upset my thinking
which is no good at all
I'll get a fresh start tomorrow
and it's not due till Wednesday
so I'll have all of Tuesday
unless something should happen
why does this always happen
i should be outside playing
getting fresh air and sunshine
i work best under pressure
and there'll be lots of pressure
if i wait till tomorrow
i should start writing now
but if i start writing now
when I'm not really rested
it could upset my thinking
which is
no good at all"
Yup, its a cyclical argument that gets me nowhere except late, I cant help it though. Its not that i don't like reading, or writing for that matter, and I'm genuinely interested in some subjects but the whole formality of "assignments" let alone research papers makes me choke up, makes me feel like its something bad even though i might actually enjoy it, even if I've done research on it on my own. Its weird and if I wanted to act as my own psychoanalyst id have to say that apart my incredible sloth it could be the suffocating pressure my father put on me to excel. Nothing short of perfect was expected, if not then I wasn't trying hard enough. I guess after a while I figured out it was easier not to try, perfection is an impossible thing to conquer but mediocrity, mediocrity is effortless.
I guess if I were to conduct my own study on my own grounds I'd research depression in Puerto Rico. Granted there's a big genetic aspect to it but we inherit tendencies from genes, tendencies that metastacise throughout our lives into character traits molded by our different traumas and life experiences. It is then to be expected that people living in similar environments develop similar character traits made different only by our natural tendencies and the way they allow us to react to those things that happen. The suicide rate in Puerto Rico is alarming, I'd like to find out why. My theory is a lack of national identity which implicitly leaks onto everything else in life. I guess I'd like to research that.
"If I start writing now
When I'm not really rested
It could upset my thinking
which is no good at all
I'll get a fresh start tomorrow
and it's not due till Wednesday
so I'll have all of Tuesday
unless something should happen
why does this always happen
i should be outside playing
getting fresh air and sunshine
i work best under pressure
and there'll be lots of pressure
if i wait till tomorrow
i should start writing now
but if i start writing now
when I'm not really rested
it could upset my thinking
which is
no good at all"
Yup, its a cyclical argument that gets me nowhere except late, I cant help it though. Its not that i don't like reading, or writing for that matter, and I'm genuinely interested in some subjects but the whole formality of "assignments" let alone research papers makes me choke up, makes me feel like its something bad even though i might actually enjoy it, even if I've done research on it on my own. Its weird and if I wanted to act as my own psychoanalyst id have to say that apart my incredible sloth it could be the suffocating pressure my father put on me to excel. Nothing short of perfect was expected, if not then I wasn't trying hard enough. I guess after a while I figured out it was easier not to try, perfection is an impossible thing to conquer but mediocrity, mediocrity is effortless.
I guess if I were to conduct my own study on my own grounds I'd research depression in Puerto Rico. Granted there's a big genetic aspect to it but we inherit tendencies from genes, tendencies that metastacise throughout our lives into character traits molded by our different traumas and life experiences. It is then to be expected that people living in similar environments develop similar character traits made different only by our natural tendencies and the way they allow us to react to those things that happen. The suicide rate in Puerto Rico is alarming, I'd like to find out why. My theory is a lack of national identity which implicitly leaks onto everything else in life. I guess I'd like to research that.
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